So, yesterday I forgot to mention the headaches and the extreme tiredness, I guess because they came on after I wrote the post. So the first two days I have experienced kind of a dull throbbing headache behind the eyes, even with drinking huge amounts of water. Today I had gatorade with lunch which I think will help.
The practice today was intense, a lot of anger bubbled up to the surface. We had a new teacher (new to me) and I found myself taking my anger out on him at times (in my mind.) It was a really strange sensation to be the thinking brain and also the unchanging self, watching the thinking brain. I am usually just the thinking brain- actually I think we all are, it is through practice that we become the conscious observer. So today's practice was all about observation for me. I watched myself react to my thoughts, it's not as schizophrenic as it sounds. It was really nice to get out of my head for a while. I am not of this body, I am not of this mind.
The past week I have been really 'heady' disconnected, sad even. Through my questioning- perhaps assisted by this intense Bikram yoga, I realized my sadness stems from a very real place. I was berating myself for not being motivated, for being tired, for not completing as much work as I'd like. It all came together when I suddenly became aware that a week ago was the anniversary of my father's suicide.
Ah Ha. As soon as the awareness entered my thinking mind, it was as if a little bit of weight was lifted off my shoulders, and as I began to process it, I could visualize my arms being released as if a monster had originally wrapped itself around me prohibiting my movement.
Now I can breathe a sign of relief, a sigh of grief, a sigh of gratitude for being able to have that awareness come.
Now I can rest.
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good girl. I wont keep ranting on about Bikram and my love for it for every post...promise. But it is deep work and deep sweating to release ammonia and toxins this deep into our muscles and connective tissue. Just imagine what memories and stagnant energy is going out with those sweat beads. When we do deep work, deep stuff comes up. I am having a similar experience with a 40 day Kundalini practice I signed on to do in May, releasing anger. Below anger is big hurt. WOW. All I can say. And also, I wanted to say I am so glad I was there to have the privilege of just BEING with you around this time. Don't think I did much for you. But I was there, with you, feeling it too. I love you. Miss ya.
ReplyDeleteBecca I love and miss you too! You can comment on any post and every post if you want to. I still want to go to India!
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