Day Twentythree

Oh the list of what not to do in Bikram has grown.

I spent the first half of the entire standing series in pain, a very strange pain that I was having difficulty deciphering. I noticed that throughout the first few minutes of class my knees were filling with a sort of burning sensation. As you know, my knees have been sore the past few days, so I was left thinking, "Oh my god, what have I done now." These types of thoughts continued for what seemed like hours and I kept returning my awareness to my breath, breathing through the sensation. The sensations were different from most joint pain I have ever felt. It was a hot burning feeling, like boiling water hot, flowing through my knee joint.

By the time we got to eagle pose, around 25 minutes in, it dawned on me. I had rubbed badger balm all over my knees this morning to soothe the ache. Well, badger balm it turns out, burns the crap out of your skin when you are sweating in an extremely hot room!

So I spent the remaining 90 minutes praying that the badger balm would sweat off and that I wouldn't accidentally rub it in my eye during all the head to knee postures!

It's pretty funny now, but I have realized that rule #2 of what not to do in Bikram Yoga is: Do not put badger balm on your skin even six hours before class. Rule #1 of course still being: Do not forget to do laundry before class, because you may end up with no pants on.

Day Twentyone and Twentytwo

Oh man, I had a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that it wouldn't happen, that I could easily push myself to the limit for 30 days without any negative repercussions.

My knees are a little bit mad at me, they are sore, inflamed, and tired.

They say to kill yourself for 90 minutes instead of 90 years. Maybe I took the 'killing' part a little too literally.

On the other hand, my back feels better, stronger, longer than it has in a while. Maybe my knee comfort was sacrificed for my back, who knows, but I know it is time to slow down.

I am going to continue with my Bikram yoga journey, but it will not be for a full 30 days. I am not going to quit due to my sore knees, and actually Im not quitting at all.

Josh and I leave for vacation on Saturday which intersects my 30 day challenge (I obviously didn't think that far ahead when I planned this latest adventure.) It looks like when I finish this week it will be 25 days of Bikram- minus the two that I skipped while in Asheville, so 23 days of Bikram. Who does a 23 day challenge?

I guess I do, and it sure has been a challenge. The true Bikram challenge is 60 days, I don't think I would have the balls of steel needed to complete it, though I have met two inspiring ladies who have done it or nearly finished.

I have decided that I am super proud of my 23 days in total challenge and I am starting to think I will really miss it everyday! My downdog, shoulderstand, handstand, arm balancing self has gotten accustomed to the same 26 poses every day, none of the above included.

I have to admit that I did the first headstand in a while in the middle of my day today and it was awesome; I could have held it FOREVER!

Mmmmm headstand, downdog, handstand, crow....

Day Twenty

By far the funniest practice ever.

Warning: Do not forget to wash your yoga clothes the night before or you may end up wearing no pants.

Well, not quite. I did forget to wash my yoga clothes and was left with very few options: Bathing suit, or board shorts and yoga top. I opted for bathing suit bottoms under board shorts and white yoga top (which I now know becomes see through when you soak it in a gallon of sweat, oops.)

During the Bikram yoga sequence there is a time 25 minutes into the practice that some call party time. Jamie, one of our teachers, says it's the saddest party in the world; a few deep breaths and a sip of water. (You refrain from water the first 25 minutes to warm up, and yeah I know, it's already 104 degrees, but ok.)

So the first 25 minutes for me was borderline miserable, mostly because of the board shorts. They were too hot, too long, to wrong for practice. So, I thought to myself, you have a bathing suit on just get over it and take off your pants!

Well, that is exactly what I did. During 'party' time I whipped off my board shorts leaving myself standing, immediately cooler, in just my bathing suit bottoms.

It's the thing with Bikram, I've noticed that you leave all inhibitions at the door, and you don't care because it is just so hot. I think some people would show up naked if they would let you.

After class, It was pretty funny discussing the pants removal with the teachers. Derek said, "At one point I looked over and you had no pants on." Haha.

Well, I wont make it a habit to show up to parties with no pants on, but if said parties are heated to a staggering 104 degrees, watch out.

Day Eighteen and Nineteen

Bikram yoga day eighteen left me so tired I completely forgot to write about it. I went about what has become my Thursday routine. Wake up, have tea, check email, make a big fuss about all the emails I don't have time to answer, calm myself, go teach to a group of amazing yogis, come home, eat lunch with Josh, check and respond to emails, go to Bikram, proceed to get my ass totally kicked- not that I needed any help on this day, hurry home, shower, go teach to a new group of amazing yogis, return home, check and respond to emails....crash. There wasn't a seamless flow to the moments in between, everything was rushed, and hurried. It was a day full of yoga and a day without yoga in a sense- the in between stuff, the added doses of worry here and there. It was a day that reminded me of how much pressure I put on myself.

A lot. I am admitting here and now that I expect a great deal out of myself, sometimes to my detriment.

So, how did I begin my Bikram yoga day nineteen? By rolling out of bed at 9:00 (late), hurrying to find my yoga clothes and mat, running out the door and down the street to show up in time for my Bikram class. I was greeted at the desk with, "The newspaper is here and they are going to be taking some photos and videos." Oh my gosh are you kidding?!?! Let that go, push my body to the limit for 90 minutes, s l o w i t d o w n, walk calmly back home, take a nice relaxing shower, check new emails, write blog. It is my intention for the rest of the day to focus on the in between yoga, the transitions, the places where the monkey mind takes over. I want those times to be mine too, for them to not get caught up in the whirlwind that I can so easily create around myself.

Maybe take it easy, it is Friday after all.

Day Seventeen

Practice today was very invigorating. I walked in the studio feeling tired and a bit lethargic after having spent the majority of the day working on the computer. The heat really took the edge off as soon as entered the studio.

It's funny how one of the most uncomfortable aspects of this practice in the beginning has become so comforting now. My strength came out of nowhere today, maybe I was accessing some hidden reservoir, perhaps it was because of the time of day.

My body continues to surprise me. Just when I think I have reached my edge in a pose, I go that much deeper. The pace of physical transformation is very quick these days. I am sure it will slow eventually, but I am enjoying extending my flexibility through strength. It reminds me of my dancing days. It also reminds me of how smart the body is, that it can acquire muscle memory through repetition and in so little time!

I must remember though, everyday is a new day, who knows how it will be tomorrow.

I'm gonna go back and find out.

Day Sixteen

What I like best about this practice is the sequence. It's one of the same reasons I am attracted to Ashtanga. You can see improvement with time. I know that my body may not move like this forever, but I am going to keep it as tuned up as I can. I felt like a rock today. Solid, sturdy, focused and calm. Many of my poses were deeper than they ever have been. I feel like I am getting the 'locked' leg and my quads are getting super strong. I can feel my body using muscles I didn't even know existed, but then I have definitely said that before. Maybe in all these 26 years I haven't really been using my body to it's fullest potential, or maybe it was all the slacking off in college I am making up for. Regardless, it feels good. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, I will at least know I did it full out today.

Don't put off tomorrow, what you can do today.

Well, I didn't.

Day Fifteen

Wow, I didn't realize it until I typed it but I am halfway through my Bikram Yoga journey. Today's class was hard, really hard. Towards the end I was really having trouble getting my energy to stay even. It felt half-assed at times, even though I was working as hard as I could.

Monday, Monday, and now as I write this I am feeling even more tired. As one of the teachers Derek says, "the practice gives you exactly what you need." Well today I need a nap, but unfortunately can't take one. I am going to be nice to myself and not push beyond this afternoon. I will do my work with a clear head and heart, and move throughout my day as peacefully as I can.

Yoga today has shown me that I need some rest, it didn't give me the usual extra boost of energy and that is ok with me. I would have liked a little extra umph for the beginning of this week, but hey work with what you're given right.

Day Fourteen

Bikram Yoga day fourteen. It seems like these two weeks have flown by at super sonic speed. Time flies when you are having fun right. Well that's just it, Bikram yoga is fun for me. I am really enjoying the challenge and it reminds me of times in my life when I have engaged in exciting outdoor adventures like kayaking, rock climbing and hiking. I love the way this yoga 'excites' my body from bones to skin, as they say. It is truly invigorating and filling a hole that outdoor sports used to. I love seeing what the human body is capable of, mine and other peoples.

I am continually fascinated by the people that show up in the room. Today there was a 12 year old boy. Just think if we had all started practicing yoga that young, I envision a bunch of my friends just sitting in lotus pose hovering a few feet off the ground bending spoons and such, appearing in two places at once, and so on and so forth. It is a magical practice.

My body felt pushed to the limit today, in a good way. It was more challenging than normal- mostly mind stuff, and also the energy in the room effects me greatly. When other people's energy dies around you, it is hard not to fall like dominoes. At one point though, it gave me a little more umph to push harder hoping to bring the energy of the room back up with my energy. At other times, it made me want to crawl in a little bawl on my towel and not move for the rest of the class.

I feel really good now after practice and the walk home was very quiet for the streets that are normally bustling, serene even.

Not a bad Sunday afternoon I must say.

Day Thirteen

My body and mind feel lighter, I think I am nicer to myself and others, I am full of gratitude and love. I'm not as worried, I am less anxious, more free. I am more grounded, less resentful, more gracious, less angry. I am healthy and happy. My glass is more than half way full. I am really starting to dig the routine, the Virgo in me loves it. I miss downward dog and headstand, I will visit them again soon.

Day Twelve

Tonight's class was amazing! There were more than 30 bodies in the room, which fed the energy in a very interesting way. I found the trick to staying cooler is to get in the front row, which is the farthest away from the heating vents (this is really good to know.) I felt much cooler the past few classes, maybe due to the front row or my body becoming acclimated to the heat.

The shear number of people showing up to this studio speaks strongly about this style. I have seen a lot more men in these classes. Josh and I discussed that men may be drawn to this style more for the 'workout' aspect of it. I say, hey, whatever gets them in the door. The more styles of yoga there are, the more people they can reach out to.

As I walked by Bar.Food after class, I was stopped by a man and his wife having a sip of wine on the sidewalk. (It is always the last thing you want to be doing when you look as if you just went swimming in a pool of your own sweat.) We pleasantly discussed yoga and how there is a style to fit everybody. I encouraged them to try it. I hope they do. I hope more people get outside of their preconditioned box and try things that they never thought possible. It is our self created fears and anxieties that prevent us from doing amazing things. That part of the mind that creeps up and tells us "You're not good enough."

Well that my friends is bullshit.

We are all good enough. Everyone that has been blessed to receive a human body that breathes air all by itself, deserves to be free of the suffering caused by the mind.

Get out of your head today; try something new. What the heck, maybe even take a yoga class.

Day Eleven

It is hard to believe that it's day eleven already. It has been a theme lately that when I need time to slow down, it speeds up and vice versa. The practice has been going by much faster. Is it because I have become used to the heat and am now daydreaming, or is it because I am so focused on the moment they all dissolve into one? I can't really tell.

I know that class today felt almost easy, yup almost. It went by at lightning speed. Perhaps I have found my edge and now that needs an extension. It was the first time I went for the straight leg in standing head to knee post, one that requires a very locked knee before moving into. I am beginning to notice my quads getting stronger, one benefit of the locked knee approach, which is very different from other styles of yoga I have practiced. It really takes concentration, awareness and strength. After more than a week of trying, I could see my knee "locked" in the mirror.

It is pretty fascinating to concentrate so much on a specific body part that you are able to make it move in a different way. I need to do this with my brain. I am going to take this awareness and concentration and move it from my knee to my brain, removing old thought patterns like I am lifting my kneecap.

It is going to take practice though, maybe more than eleven days.

Day Nine and Ten

Poor day nine and ten, they got no love. My days were full of food and drink, so much so that I think I'll be full for a week. Josh, Steph and I had an amazing time exploring Asheville and the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, (looking at them fuels my soul.)

One thing I did not do was yoga. Actually I did a few handstands against the awesome brick wall of the hostel, but that was the extent of it.

I absolutely feel it in my body and mind now, how much has changed in two days. It just goes to show how much impact a strong daily practice can have. I am super pumped to get back to Bikram and never thought that will come out of my mouth.

We'll see how I feel after class.

Day Eight

Thank goodness for this practice today. It was great getting to practice before heading to Asheville, NC for a few days. The best part of this practice was all the stress and tension it released before the drive. We had some car trouble on the way, an ongoing problem I can't seem to have fixed regardless of how many times I take it to the mechanic. So as we are stuck in the town of Clinton in 111 degree heat index trying to find an auto parts store, the anger that bubbled up inside me was cooled by my practice earlier in the day. I know that if I hadn't had such an intense practice that morning I may have punched the man that said, "Well, it's hot out there. Turn off the AC and roll down the windows."(in order to solve the problem) I wanted to say, "Well no shit, Sherlock," but refrained. It appeared that the calm yogi in me was winning the battle.

I must say it was a true test of patience, one that was also helped by the seemingly forever grounded and level headed Josh. So, our journey continued on and we made it to Asheville just in time for check in at the Sweet Peas hostel and dinner at Doc Cheys noodle house:)

I think just about any problem can be solved by a bowl of their thai basil noodles, at least mine was.

Day Seven

I am so excited that I finished an entire week of daily Bikram yoga. So excited that I am taking two days off.

Well not entirely. Josh and I are off on a last minute adventure today to Asheville, NC to meet his sister Stephanie, who is driving all the way from Indianapolis. So, the dilemma is whether to continue to practice Bikram while I am there at Bikram Yoga Asheville or go to my beloved Asheville Yoga center to visit amazing teachers from my teacher training.

Well, I think Asheville Yoga center wins, of course I am going to Bikram this morning before we leave. I also realized over the weekend that my 30 day experience ends on the 7th of July, and we will have already left Savannah for Myrtle Beach on the 3rd. Oiy Vay. So, the only real solution is to double up days. Yes, I mean two classes in a day- only enough to add up to 30 total. So, here and there over the next few weeks I will experience 3 hours of Bikram yoga instead of 1.5, I think it will be a challenge but I know I can do it.

I realize this sudden change in schedule is quite like life. We can fight against it, or go with the flow. I am choosing go with the flow and I am going to flow right up to Asheville, NC. See you in a few days :)

Day Six

Writing about practice seemed more daunting than practice itself!

Well 1/5th of the way through- gosh when you phrase it like that it seems like I have just hit the tip of the iceberg. Today's class wasn't unusually easy or hard. It was a mixture, just right in between. The most interesting part for me was that everytime I thought I was about to loose it, Derek (our wonderful teacher du jour) would say the exact right thing to pull me back in. After class, I mentioned that it felt as if he were talking directly to me. He said that usually all verbal corrections can apply to the majority of the class- boy is he right!

Physically class was interesting, more on the challenging side today for sure. I had some tingling sensations in my arms and face which I am attributing to lots of prana (life force energy) moving freely throughout my body. Strange but not uncomfortable.

After class I spoke to my mom, who said, "So, after day six its not kicking your ass anymore." I responded, "No, it still continues to kick my ass everyday."

There is nothing simple about this practice and at the same time it is the most simple practice we can have. BREATHE. The breath is truly what yoga in all forms is about.

Who would have thought you could kick your own ass just by breathing?

Well I know now :)

Day Five

I feel fantastic! Today's after effects were the best so far. My energy has improved, the headaches are gone, there is definitely more kick in my step. Today's class was the 60th day in a row for a fellow classmate, Cynthia. This was her final practice in the 60 days challenge, 60 days, and I thought 30 was going to be tough.

I met her on day one and she inspired me to make that two block trek back the next day. Now, even in her absence, I will continue to be inspired. I am mostly in awe of her, because not only did she commit to 60 days of Bikram yoga, but she committed to 60 days of yoga, never having practiced yoga before! It is people like Cynthia who continue to renew my practice, and my love for yoga (which ever kind I am currently practicing.)

Aside from the AWEsomeness of Cynthia, today's class was filled with wonderful insight from our instructor, Derek. He uses the space between postures to fill the heart and mind with wisdom from his soul. As a fellow yoga instructor, some of the analogies and stories I use in a similar way throughout my teaching. It is a gift every time he shares these thoughts with us, and they are so rich because they come from a place of practice. Anyone can repeat the words, but they have so much meaning coming from a place of pure truth. I found his words resonated deeply today and for that I am very grateful. Namaste

Day Four

Today was a day filled with yoga. I love Thursday's most of all because it is when I get to teach. I teach a gentle yoga basics class at noon and an all levels flow at 7:15pm. The inbetween time is usually difficult to fill, as I don't want to escape the good yoga vibes from one class to the other. Today it was easier since I had a Bikram class from 4:30-6pm.

What about that schedule did I think was going to be easy!?! It takes a lot of energy to teach a yoga class, and it takes even more energy to practice Bikram. I also rode my bike 3 miles and back to teach my first class, gave up by the end of the day and drove the car. (I am trying to ride my bike everywhere in a 5 mile radius for the summer for less impact.) I was reminded today by a saying my mom has been repeating, necessarily, to me lately, "You can not give from an empty well."

Well, I think my well was just full enough- maybe more towards the depleting side by the time I sorely crawled into bed. Was this me making up for all my "lack of effort" this past week, or perhaps me feeling good enough in my body and mind to push it to the limit?

As far as the Bikram class, the only real insight I had was after moving from the standing series to the floor series. I realized that through this practice, my body and mind were working so diligently that my spirit was able to soar freely, unrestricted for 90 minutes. It wasn't an overwhelming feeling, but one that turned the corners of my mouth upward for a second, until I started thinking about this damned heat again!

Day Three

So, yesterday I forgot to mention the headaches and the extreme tiredness, I guess because they came on after I wrote the post. So the first two days I have experienced kind of a dull throbbing headache behind the eyes, even with drinking huge amounts of water. Today I had gatorade with lunch which I think will help.

The practice today was intense, a lot of anger bubbled up to the surface. We had a new teacher (new to me) and I found myself taking my anger out on him at times (in my mind.) It was a really strange sensation to be the thinking brain and also the unchanging self, watching the thinking brain. I am usually just the thinking brain- actually I think we all are, it is through practice that we become the conscious observer. So today's practice was all about observation for me. I watched myself react to my thoughts, it's not as schizophrenic as it sounds. It was really nice to get out of my head for a while. I am not of this body, I am not of this mind.

The past week I have been really 'heady' disconnected, sad even. Through my questioning- perhaps assisted by this intense Bikram yoga, I realized my sadness stems from a very real place. I was berating myself for not being motivated, for being tired, for not completing as much work as I'd like. It all came together when I suddenly became aware that a week ago was the anniversary of my father's suicide.

Ah Ha. As soon as the awareness entered my thinking mind, it was as if a little bit of weight was lifted off my shoulders, and as I began to process it, I could visualize my arms being released as if a monster had originally wrapped itself around me prohibiting my movement.

Now I can breathe a sign of relief, a sigh of grief, a sigh of gratitude for being able to have that awareness come.

Now I can rest.

Day Two

Yep, I went back.

I walked the two blocks this morning with a small feeling of dread. A little smaller than I would have imagined, knowing the heat that I was about to encounter. I also walked with a little kick in my step, anxious to experience what was about to happen.

I was greeted warmly (no pun intended) by the teacher as I came through the front door. As I made my way out of the locker room and into the practice room, I noticed very little hesitation, only a quick stop at the water fountain for one last sip of cold water. I unrolled my mat, and as I did, it was as if I was unrolling my mind. Without having done a single posture my mind grew quiet and I laid in Savasana thinking of how calm I had immediately become.

Well, what comes next is the standard 26 postures done twice, sweat dripping down places sweat doesn't normally drip for an hour and a half. Today seemed easy if compared to yesterday, like my body had given up control over itself and just was more accepting of the practice. I wouldn't say gracefully, but maybe I moved in and out of postures more mindfully than before. My breath was noticeably deeper and I didn't get as hot- even though the temperature was exactly the same. There were many more people in the room which helped to move the energy around. At the same time, it tugged on the ego a bit with the help of the wall to wall mirrors. It is a fine line for using that mirror to stare at yourself and to stare into yourself, a line I crossed over and over throughout class.

After class, I noticed myself walking a little slower, enjoying the two blocks back in a much different light than the walk to. I felt a deeper sense of gratitude than I have in a while, which is part of what I have been missing so much. My body feels refreshed and renewed and my mind is alert and focused.

The best news is, I didn't curse in class at all.

Day One

I knew this was going to be a challenge. I am now certain of how big a challenge it will be for me. Halfway through the class I thought to myself, "how can I cancel this 30 day pass without hurting anyone's feelings," and "what the fuck have I gotten myself into?" (Yes, I sometimes curse in my head) Other than the mental challenges that arose throughout the course of the 90 min sequence, were the extreme physical challenges that I experienced. I felt nauseous, felt like blacking out, felt really overheated, and at times I felt like punching something. Other times I felt strong, empowered, powerful and radiant. What a strange combination of thoughts.

Even with all these thoughts however, my mind felt calm, or at least calmer. (Imagine all the thoughts I have when I'm not practicing yoga!)

Now as I write this- just 30 minutes after having left class, I feel cleansed, refreshed, energized, focused and calm. I feel reconnected to my body- through a very vigorous practice. It feels somewhat like appreciating the sun because of the rain.

Halfway through class I was going to cancel my 30 day pass, but I think I will stick to my plan and show up again tomorrow.

30 days

Ah, the summer in Savannah. For me, it means a build up of heat, sweat, sometimes suffering. I always feel an intense need for change around this time. It repeats itself every year, a bubbling up feeling, a need for adventure, or something extreme so that I can feel truly alive. I have felt like a visitor in my own body the past month, ungrounded, disconnected, which is characteristic of my Vata dosha. In my work, I have been truly blessed to be able to work from home and set my own hours. I am so grateful for this. By being able to set my own hours, I have thrown myself 'off course' and have no routine, which I crave. It is time for some balance.

I had a dream that I did Bikram Yoga for 30 days.

When I woke up, I thought that 30 days of Bikram is a crazy idea, did I have a dream or a nightmare? I have only tried it once, and had very mixed feelings. The more I thought about this idea, the more I remembered from that first class. After class, I felt more energized (naturally) than I have ever felt in my life. I felt completely renewed and refreshed. Best of all, my sacrum pain was gone. As I started thinking about the positive effects of this class, I remembered they were all after the fact, not during. The aspects of the class that I didn't like so much was the 105 degree, hit you like a brick wall, heat. "Can I endure this extreme heat for 90 minutes?" was all I could think when I walked in. Well I did. And I think it is time for round two.

Well, round two through thirty. I think this is just the refresher I need. Hopefully this wont be a blood, sweat and tears battle, at least not the blood and tears part. I start this new adventure today at 9:30am, removing myself from expectation, to experience what this practice has to offer. I will be chronicling my new adventure on this blog that has been lonely for so long.

It is going to be a hot 30 days!