Day Eighteen and Nineteen

Bikram yoga day eighteen left me so tired I completely forgot to write about it. I went about what has become my Thursday routine. Wake up, have tea, check email, make a big fuss about all the emails I don't have time to answer, calm myself, go teach to a group of amazing yogis, come home, eat lunch with Josh, check and respond to emails, go to Bikram, proceed to get my ass totally kicked- not that I needed any help on this day, hurry home, shower, go teach to a new group of amazing yogis, return home, check and respond to emails....crash. There wasn't a seamless flow to the moments in between, everything was rushed, and hurried. It was a day full of yoga and a day without yoga in a sense- the in between stuff, the added doses of worry here and there. It was a day that reminded me of how much pressure I put on myself.

A lot. I am admitting here and now that I expect a great deal out of myself, sometimes to my detriment.

So, how did I begin my Bikram yoga day nineteen? By rolling out of bed at 9:00 (late), hurrying to find my yoga clothes and mat, running out the door and down the street to show up in time for my Bikram class. I was greeted at the desk with, "The newspaper is here and they are going to be taking some photos and videos." Oh my gosh are you kidding?!?! Let that go, push my body to the limit for 90 minutes, s l o w i t d o w n, walk calmly back home, take a nice relaxing shower, check new emails, write blog. It is my intention for the rest of the day to focus on the in between yoga, the transitions, the places where the monkey mind takes over. I want those times to be mine too, for them to not get caught up in the whirlwind that I can so easily create around myself.

Maybe take it easy, it is Friday after all.

Day Seventeen

Practice today was very invigorating. I walked in the studio feeling tired and a bit lethargic after having spent the majority of the day working on the computer. The heat really took the edge off as soon as entered the studio.

It's funny how one of the most uncomfortable aspects of this practice in the beginning has become so comforting now. My strength came out of nowhere today, maybe I was accessing some hidden reservoir, perhaps it was because of the time of day.

My body continues to surprise me. Just when I think I have reached my edge in a pose, I go that much deeper. The pace of physical transformation is very quick these days. I am sure it will slow eventually, but I am enjoying extending my flexibility through strength. It reminds me of my dancing days. It also reminds me of how smart the body is, that it can acquire muscle memory through repetition and in so little time!

I must remember though, everyday is a new day, who knows how it will be tomorrow.

I'm gonna go back and find out.

Day Sixteen

What I like best about this practice is the sequence. It's one of the same reasons I am attracted to Ashtanga. You can see improvement with time. I know that my body may not move like this forever, but I am going to keep it as tuned up as I can. I felt like a rock today. Solid, sturdy, focused and calm. Many of my poses were deeper than they ever have been. I feel like I am getting the 'locked' leg and my quads are getting super strong. I can feel my body using muscles I didn't even know existed, but then I have definitely said that before. Maybe in all these 26 years I haven't really been using my body to it's fullest potential, or maybe it was all the slacking off in college I am making up for. Regardless, it feels good. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, I will at least know I did it full out today.

Don't put off tomorrow, what you can do today.

Well, I didn't.

Day Thirteen

My body and mind feel lighter, I think I am nicer to myself and others, I am full of gratitude and love. I'm not as worried, I am less anxious, more free. I am more grounded, less resentful, more gracious, less angry. I am healthy and happy. My glass is more than half way full. I am really starting to dig the routine, the Virgo in me loves it. I miss downward dog and headstand, I will visit them again soon.

Day Twelve

Tonight's class was amazing! There were more than 30 bodies in the room, which fed the energy in a very interesting way. I found the trick to staying cooler is to get in the front row, which is the farthest away from the heating vents (this is really good to know.) I felt much cooler the past few classes, maybe due to the front row or my body becoming acclimated to the heat.

The shear number of people showing up to this studio speaks strongly about this style. I have seen a lot more men in these classes. Josh and I discussed that men may be drawn to this style more for the 'workout' aspect of it. I say, hey, whatever gets them in the door. The more styles of yoga there are, the more people they can reach out to.

As I walked by Bar.Food after class, I was stopped by a man and his wife having a sip of wine on the sidewalk. (It is always the last thing you want to be doing when you look as if you just went swimming in a pool of your own sweat.) We pleasantly discussed yoga and how there is a style to fit everybody. I encouraged them to try it. I hope they do. I hope more people get outside of their preconditioned box and try things that they never thought possible. It is our self created fears and anxieties that prevent us from doing amazing things. That part of the mind that creeps up and tells us "You're not good enough."

Well that my friends is bullshit.

We are all good enough. Everyone that has been blessed to receive a human body that breathes air all by itself, deserves to be free of the suffering caused by the mind.

Get out of your head today; try something new. What the heck, maybe even take a yoga class.

Day Eleven

It is hard to believe that it's day eleven already. It has been a theme lately that when I need time to slow down, it speeds up and vice versa. The practice has been going by much faster. Is it because I have become used to the heat and am now daydreaming, or is it because I am so focused on the moment they all dissolve into one? I can't really tell.

I know that class today felt almost easy, yup almost. It went by at lightning speed. Perhaps I have found my edge and now that needs an extension. It was the first time I went for the straight leg in standing head to knee post, one that requires a very locked knee before moving into. I am beginning to notice my quads getting stronger, one benefit of the locked knee approach, which is very different from other styles of yoga I have practiced. It really takes concentration, awareness and strength. After more than a week of trying, I could see my knee "locked" in the mirror.

It is pretty fascinating to concentrate so much on a specific body part that you are able to make it move in a different way. I need to do this with my brain. I am going to take this awareness and concentration and move it from my knee to my brain, removing old thought patterns like I am lifting my kneecap.

It is going to take practice though, maybe more than eleven days.

Day Four

Today was a day filled with yoga. I love Thursday's most of all because it is when I get to teach. I teach a gentle yoga basics class at noon and an all levels flow at 7:15pm. The inbetween time is usually difficult to fill, as I don't want to escape the good yoga vibes from one class to the other. Today it was easier since I had a Bikram class from 4:30-6pm.

What about that schedule did I think was going to be easy!?! It takes a lot of energy to teach a yoga class, and it takes even more energy to practice Bikram. I also rode my bike 3 miles and back to teach my first class, gave up by the end of the day and drove the car. (I am trying to ride my bike everywhere in a 5 mile radius for the summer for less impact.) I was reminded today by a saying my mom has been repeating, necessarily, to me lately, "You can not give from an empty well."

Well, I think my well was just full enough- maybe more towards the depleting side by the time I sorely crawled into bed. Was this me making up for all my "lack of effort" this past week, or perhaps me feeling good enough in my body and mind to push it to the limit?

As far as the Bikram class, the only real insight I had was after moving from the standing series to the floor series. I realized that through this practice, my body and mind were working so diligently that my spirit was able to soar freely, unrestricted for 90 minutes. It wasn't an overwhelming feeling, but one that turned the corners of my mouth upward for a second, until I started thinking about this damned heat again!

Day Three

So, yesterday I forgot to mention the headaches and the extreme tiredness, I guess because they came on after I wrote the post. So the first two days I have experienced kind of a dull throbbing headache behind the eyes, even with drinking huge amounts of water. Today I had gatorade with lunch which I think will help.

The practice today was intense, a lot of anger bubbled up to the surface. We had a new teacher (new to me) and I found myself taking my anger out on him at times (in my mind.) It was a really strange sensation to be the thinking brain and also the unchanging self, watching the thinking brain. I am usually just the thinking brain- actually I think we all are, it is through practice that we become the conscious observer. So today's practice was all about observation for me. I watched myself react to my thoughts, it's not as schizophrenic as it sounds. It was really nice to get out of my head for a while. I am not of this body, I am not of this mind.

The past week I have been really 'heady' disconnected, sad even. Through my questioning- perhaps assisted by this intense Bikram yoga, I realized my sadness stems from a very real place. I was berating myself for not being motivated, for being tired, for not completing as much work as I'd like. It all came together when I suddenly became aware that a week ago was the anniversary of my father's suicide.

Ah Ha. As soon as the awareness entered my thinking mind, it was as if a little bit of weight was lifted off my shoulders, and as I began to process it, I could visualize my arms being released as if a monster had originally wrapped itself around me prohibiting my movement.

Now I can breathe a sign of relief, a sigh of grief, a sigh of gratitude for being able to have that awareness come.

Now I can rest.

Day Two

Yep, I went back.

I walked the two blocks this morning with a small feeling of dread. A little smaller than I would have imagined, knowing the heat that I was about to encounter. I also walked with a little kick in my step, anxious to experience what was about to happen.

I was greeted warmly (no pun intended) by the teacher as I came through the front door. As I made my way out of the locker room and into the practice room, I noticed very little hesitation, only a quick stop at the water fountain for one last sip of cold water. I unrolled my mat, and as I did, it was as if I was unrolling my mind. Without having done a single posture my mind grew quiet and I laid in Savasana thinking of how calm I had immediately become.

Well, what comes next is the standard 26 postures done twice, sweat dripping down places sweat doesn't normally drip for an hour and a half. Today seemed easy if compared to yesterday, like my body had given up control over itself and just was more accepting of the practice. I wouldn't say gracefully, but maybe I moved in and out of postures more mindfully than before. My breath was noticeably deeper and I didn't get as hot- even though the temperature was exactly the same. There were many more people in the room which helped to move the energy around. At the same time, it tugged on the ego a bit with the help of the wall to wall mirrors. It is a fine line for using that mirror to stare at yourself and to stare into yourself, a line I crossed over and over throughout class.

After class, I noticed myself walking a little slower, enjoying the two blocks back in a much different light than the walk to. I felt a deeper sense of gratitude than I have in a while, which is part of what I have been missing so much. My body feels refreshed and renewed and my mind is alert and focused.

The best news is, I didn't curse in class at all.

Day One

I knew this was going to be a challenge. I am now certain of how big a challenge it will be for me. Halfway through the class I thought to myself, "how can I cancel this 30 day pass without hurting anyone's feelings," and "what the fuck have I gotten myself into?" (Yes, I sometimes curse in my head) Other than the mental challenges that arose throughout the course of the 90 min sequence, were the extreme physical challenges that I experienced. I felt nauseous, felt like blacking out, felt really overheated, and at times I felt like punching something. Other times I felt strong, empowered, powerful and radiant. What a strange combination of thoughts.

Even with all these thoughts however, my mind felt calm, or at least calmer. (Imagine all the thoughts I have when I'm not practicing yoga!)

Now as I write this- just 30 minutes after having left class, I feel cleansed, refreshed, energized, focused and calm. I feel reconnected to my body- through a very vigorous practice. It feels somewhat like appreciating the sun because of the rain.

Halfway through class I was going to cancel my 30 day pass, but I think I will stick to my plan and show up again tomorrow.

30 days

Ah, the summer in Savannah. For me, it means a build up of heat, sweat, sometimes suffering. I always feel an intense need for change around this time. It repeats itself every year, a bubbling up feeling, a need for adventure, or something extreme so that I can feel truly alive. I have felt like a visitor in my own body the past month, ungrounded, disconnected, which is characteristic of my Vata dosha. In my work, I have been truly blessed to be able to work from home and set my own hours. I am so grateful for this. By being able to set my own hours, I have thrown myself 'off course' and have no routine, which I crave. It is time for some balance.

I had a dream that I did Bikram Yoga for 30 days.

When I woke up, I thought that 30 days of Bikram is a crazy idea, did I have a dream or a nightmare? I have only tried it once, and had very mixed feelings. The more I thought about this idea, the more I remembered from that first class. After class, I felt more energized (naturally) than I have ever felt in my life. I felt completely renewed and refreshed. Best of all, my sacrum pain was gone. As I started thinking about the positive effects of this class, I remembered they were all after the fact, not during. The aspects of the class that I didn't like so much was the 105 degree, hit you like a brick wall, heat. "Can I endure this extreme heat for 90 minutes?" was all I could think when I walked in. Well I did. And I think it is time for round two.

Well, round two through thirty. I think this is just the refresher I need. Hopefully this wont be a blood, sweat and tears battle, at least not the blood and tears part. I start this new adventure today at 9:30am, removing myself from expectation, to experience what this practice has to offer. I will be chronicling my new adventure on this blog that has been lonely for so long.

It is going to be a hot 30 days!

Change is good

Change. We tend to react one of two ways to change. We can either become tense, hard, opposed, and stressed or we can embrace, soften, and even become malleable under the weight of change. There is the possibility of a third reaction of indifference which seldom happens, at least seldom in my experiences. We are too opinionated most of the time to be indifferent or uncaring when change occurs.

I have been subconsciously resisting some shifts lately. It has caused me slight suffering, boredom, and loneliness. The changes I have recently experienced are fairly dramatic, but I have also had similar reactions to seemingly simple occurrences. The awareness of this recent opposition has allowed me to transform, to move and bend more freely. Quite literally, the awareness came from moving and bending. I have had a dedicated daily yoga practice now for a week. Yoga has truly allowed me to embrace, love, and wrap change up around me like a blanket. Every time I get on the mat I am allowing myself to be completely present in the now. In the here and now space, resistance is non-existent. This is the space of great growth, love and openness. Change is good.

What goes around comes around

This summer, and particularly this month has been a whirlwind of events and changes. All good, sometimes seemingly less than good at times, but coming full circle none the less. Amongst all the happenings I have been experiencing a few have stuck out . In between things like: signing up for a yoga teacher training program in Asheville, NC , returning to my mothers farm in Virginia for the fall to go back to school, leaving Josh behind in Savannah to finish up his program at SCAD, quitting my job in order to do all these things, some 'coincidences' have occurred.

Now, anyone who knows me, will understand that I use the term coincidence loosely. I am a firm believer in the "things happen for a reason" scenario, and that we are truly the creators of our own experience. These coincidences occur more commonly once we start to connect to our true selves, our god selves, or the divine inside us and others.

So, unsurprisingly, as I work on the latest issue of The Healthy Alternative which features advertisers and articles based on building a community here in Savannah, I become a piece of the puzzle. Through a series of people and events:

1. Meeting a friend David Acuff, through Josh's bike restoration business.
2. Which led us to GreenDrinks last Tuesday evening at Hang Fire.
3. Where we heard toastmasters of the evening DaVena and Tony Jordan speak on behalf of their organization AWOL, All Walks of Life.
4. Which is an organization working on providing low income families computers and Internet access, among many other things in the Savannah community.
5. Of whom I spoke at length during a lunch meeting with my friend Michael Elliott of the Union Mission, who told me it would be for my greater good to start a blog!

Which all led me back to my computer working on the 'One Small Step' section of our periodical. And it just so happens that my selection for this September issue is about recycling your old computers to local organizations and charities.

A light bulb turned on when I said to myself "Why don't we feature AWOL as the local charity and get our readers involved in the community too?"

Suddenly I had become the catalyst for change and growth. It felt similar to seeing a rainbow, or eating something from your childhood, or the expansion after a yoga class. If all this happened in around a week, imagine what can happen when we open ourselves up to the possibilities of connecting to our peers and our community on a regular basis....

Look for the September issue of The Healthy Alternative featuring:

AWOL,All Walks of Life, Inc.
P.O. Box 15846
Savannah, GA 31416
Donations can also be made online. www.awolinc.org

What goes around, comes around.